I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
