Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
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He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
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I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.