Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Randomize
