i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
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