He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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