He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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