my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
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