Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Randomize
