a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
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Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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