My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
You're like the curious george of whores
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
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