I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
This is the high leading the old right now
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
