I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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