Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Randomize
