I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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