dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
