i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Randomize
