I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
