They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
