I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
