Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
BRING THE BAGELS
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
