and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
