The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
