so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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