Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
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