I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
