I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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