I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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