I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize
