I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
