This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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