i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
