Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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