First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
God, I missed his penis.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
