Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
