and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
