i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
