We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
