Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
They have beer where we have blood.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize
