All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Randomize
