Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
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