His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
So vagazzling was a success
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
