"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
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