Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
we're chasing vodka with high fives
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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