I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize