yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Randomize
