do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
