Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
