Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
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