Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Randomize
