my text book just quoted the cookie monster
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Randomize
