She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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