you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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