Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
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