He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
