I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
