I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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